giant summer pants for cranky girls

i will be god damned if i see a button fly this summer

who remembers this absolute party boy

Forgive me, Father—it has been three weeks since my last Substack dispatch.

The month of May turned into a period of somewhat freakish growth and change, and I wasn’t able to dedicate as much time to this newsletter. Fear not, paid subscribers: You’ll still get your tasty little bonus benefits. They’ll just be arriving in your inbox a little off-schedule this month. Next month, we’ll be back to our rigid, highly professional (read: full of bad memes and cussing) content calendar.

but today we will talk about pants

I’m writing this from the San Diego airport, where I have just inhaled a half-pound of Airport Pork (AP). I am severely sunburned and wildly hungover—the kind of hangover that seems to get worse as the day goes on, not better, which feels like a very thirty-something phenomenon?—and also wildly sniffly, which happens when I drink. Pretty sure that I am actively allergic to alcohol, a fact that should guide my behavior more than it does. Anyway, I took a Benadryl a half-hour ago and walked around Hudson News until it kicked in, and now I feel like everyone is looking at me a la the Holiday Cheermeister scene in Jim Carrey’s The Grinch (2000). Like, I’m scared someone’s about to toss me up onto a royal sedan and force-feed me fudge. Should I maybe not get on this plane? Anyway!

The only thing getting me through today: my soft, soft giant summer pants. Specifically, Uniqlo’s Ultra Stretch AIRism Straight Wide Pants.

behold the pants

I bought these pants about a month ago after venturing into the Uniqlo on Chicago’s Mag Mile, which I acknowledge as masochistic behavior. I try to steer clear of fast fashion, but my body has changed a lot in the last year and I needed some cheap pants, damn it.

These pants are CRAZY.

I am sort of thumb-shaped—I teeter on the edge of 5’6 and have short, stocky legs—but you’d never know it once I slip into these little babies. They make me look long as hell, like if Slenderman had a capsule wardrobe. They’re high-waisted without being compressive in the belly zone. They go with everything, from t-shirts to more polished cardigans. (I am trying to become the sort of person who wears polished cardigans.) And they are incredibly, blessedly comfortable—even for me, someone who has become almost prohibitively waistband-averse during the pandemic.

I was raised to believe pants should hurt—that they exist to lift your ass cheeks for everyone else’s visual benefit. In high school, I bought my no-stretch Miss Me jeans (yikes wow) a size too small on purpose, performing a complex series of deep-knee bends every morning to wriggle into them. They made my belly hurt and carved red rings into my hips. And they smelled weird, because I never, ever washed or dried them! Oh my god!

Then, during the pandemic, I overcorrected, wearing sweats, leggings, and running shorts every day of the week and wondering why I felt a little unkempt.

Now, I’m left trying to figure out my personal style (see earlier note re: period of freakish growth and change), and I have a feeling it’s going to center largely on these bangin’ pants that feel like literal pajamas and look nice enough to wear to the office. (I don’t work in an office, but if I did, I’d wear these pants.) Giant pants + tiny shirt + oversized Hard Rock Cafe souvenir denim jacket. You will not catch me wearing anything else this summer.

Commenters, I would love to know: Do you also subscribe to the gospel of giant summer pants? Drop the link! Don’t be greedy!

and now for your weekly dose of treats:

Welcome to YEAH BABY YEAH, a weekly roundup of little treats to get you through your creative practice and/or stave off the darkness within. This week, I’m focusing on resources re: comfy clothes for cranky people.

1. Big pants influencer: My best buddy Emily got me following Carys Whittaker, a midsize style influencer who posts exclusively comfy outfit inspo. My style is a little funkier than hers, but I am a *big* fan of her ethos—basically, that stylish clothes shouldn’t hurt.

2. Soft bra for soft boobs: I ditched all my bras for these seamless bralettes with enough support for the moderately-titted among us. I’m a C-D (hmm…brag) and I haven’t worn an underwire in, no joke, years and years. I’ve always been weird about underwire bras, but I also cannot stomach the idea of wearing a constrictive sports bra every day. Now I own these bralettes in four colors, and I find them perfectly supportive for everyday wear, even under thin t-shirts. I’ve tried other bralette brands (ahem, Harper Wilde) and found the bands way too tight.

3. Protect ya thighs: I have objectively large legs that rub together violently and threaten to spark forest fires regardless of the season. I’ve tried a lot of different anti-chafe balms in my day, and nothing beats Body Glide. (Before you ask: I have tried Megababe, and it rubs off way too quickly for me. It also has a weird, flowery scent that does not mix well with my thigh sweat.) Body Glide was formulated for athletes, and it holds up really well after several hours of activity.

yours in billowing, sweat-wicking trousers,

Lil