how i finally got good health insurance

run, don't walk. wait no actually please walk

me, looking like a little boy // sporting the smug grin of someone whose health insurance covers acupuncture

I’ve cried a lot since my layoff last summer. I’m not sad about the job—good riddance to the morally dubious tech bros at my last company—but I *am* sad about the health insurance. It wasn’t even that good; I paid $40 per paycheck for a high-deductible Cigna plan that didn’t cover therapy. But, my god, it was better than the coverage I’ve had since going freelance.

Since September, I’ve paid almost $400 a month for the worst health insurance imaginable. (I’ve also spent hours on the phone convincing the state of Illinois that I do not, in fact, qualify for Medicaid, which is a lot harder than it sounds.) I have an HMO plan purchased through the US healthcare marketplace, an institution that has very *performative-TOMS-Day-Without-Shoes-secretly-rich-friend energy.* The plan doesn’t cover therapy ($100 per session out of pocket) or acupuncture (also $100 per session out of pocket), both of which feel non-negotiable for me, a person with a Bad Brain. My co-pays are astronomical, as is my deductible. In all, I pay anywhere from $380 to $600 per month to stay basically healthy. For a freelancer grossing between two and three grand a month, that’s not sustainable.

Enter: The best-kept secret for affordable health insurance in the United States of America.

baby i’m a crossing guard now

The secret’s out, boys: I am now a crossing guard for Chicago Public Schools. And I’m paying less than $20 a month for the most luxurious health insurance I’ve ever had.

We’re talking Blue Cross Blue Shield PPO. We’re talking great behavioral health benefits and low specialist co-pays. We’re talking low, loooooow, low low low deductible, which is great news if I am pancaked by a Mack truck tomorrow.

Oh, and:

I work two hours a day.

literally!!!!!!!

I was inspired to apply by my pal Eden Robins, a fellow Chicago author (pre-order her new book!!!) who also writes

Eden Robins' Intermittent Newsletter

. Earlier this year, Eden published an essay in Slate about her switch from corporate employee to crossing guard. In the essay, she writes:

“Anyone who pursues a nonstandard creative career in America and doesn’t have generational wealth or a rich spouse will likely hold at least two jobs. One job is the creative work, and the other is whatever ensures you don’t go bankrupt and die.”

Turns out, being a crossing guard is the exact perfect second job for those of us pursuing creative careers. Enlightened by Eden’s testimony, I applied in January and wrapped up my training shifts last week.

here’s why it rocks:

1. Chicago crossing guards are paid union employees, hence the beautiful health insurance <3

2. I work for one hour in the morning and one hour in the afternoon, which gets my slovenly ass out of bed and allows me to complete my creative work between shifts

3. I get to see the seasons change from my post. Today, I saw a tiny blue flower poking through the dirt

4. My post is a 15-minute stroll from our place, which means I get an extra hour of strolling each day (very good for me, someone whose mental health hinges largely on strolling)

5. I love hanging out with kids but do not feel qualified to teach them or birth them at this time

6. I fully own a stop sign now

Also, it’s really fun. Eden calls crossing guards “Professional Small-Talkers,” which is an ideal position for me, someone who is naturally very chatty and is therefore a nightmarish presence in an office setting. (Sorry, former coworkers!)

I start my day at 8 AM, chugging Dunkin’ in the sunshine and greeting tiny children and their guardians. I end my day at 3:15, shepherding juiced-up elementary schoolers to safety. (These kids are SO hyped in the afternoons; I’m thinking they’re, like, 10–12 Capri Suns deep by the time they hit my intersection.) I also feel a new sense of connection to my neighborhood, fostered through little snack-sized bites of pleasant human contact in alternating Spanish and English.

AND I get to have interactions like this one, from this morning:

*first-grader approaches my post with his mom and baby sister*

Me: Oh! Is this your baby sister?

First-grader: SHE BITES!!!!!!!!!!! SHE B I T E S

All that’s left to do is yassify my neon vest <3

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and now for your weekly dose of treats:

Welcome to YEAH BABY YEAH, a weekly roundup of little treats to get you through your creative practice and/or stave off the darkness within.

1. 1970s cumbia: The weather in Chicago has been worryingly warm for February, but we might as well enjoy it before the Earth burns to ash. In that spirit, I’m blasting my go-to warm weather jams—La Sonora Dinamita, a group out of Colombia that’s widely recognized as one of the first cumbia groups to reach international success, and Tropicália: ou Panis et Circenses, a 1968 Brazilian collab record featuring absolute king Gilberto Gil. It swings closer to samba and bossa nova than cumbia; either way, it makes me want to Windex my windows, you know?

2. Goldfish for adults: Sometimes I forget that you can just buy snacks at the grocery store, which I acknowledge as a gorgeous holdover from dieting for my entire life. Goldfish: They are delicious and not just for babies!

3. This publishing roundtable on “orphaned” authors:

   The Shit About Writing Team
   just released this half-hour roundtable discussion on what happens when your book is “orphaned”—basically, when your acquiring editor leaves for another publishing house (or leaves the industry altogether), and you’re scooted along to a different editor who may not be familiar with your book. This happened to me *twice* during my pre-pub period, and it was very scary. It turned out to be a great thing—I got to work with two wonderful editors who I’d never have met otherwise!—but it’s a tough situation, especially for debut authors. As long as publishers continue mistreating their staff, more and more authors will find themselves in that position.

lmk if you need help crossing the street,

Lil